Life is a Dance

Thankful

2011-11-28T22:28:00.001-08:00

I cannot believe it has already been a year since last Thanksgiving. And what a year it has been...

This year, we said goodbye to my grandmother, a beautiful woman and integral part of our family. Her passing is something I am still working through, as I miss her every day.

We also said goodbye to my sister and nephew as they moved back to Colorado. They have been a huge part of our world since the boys were in Kindergarten, even living next door for the past few years. Those who know us, know that Mike and I love our nephew like our own. Watching that moving truck drive away brought a feeling of loss that cut so deep.

And then there were the events of last Thanksgiving, when life was just, well, turned upside down. As we drove to the ER with a very sick daughter Thanksgiving morning, we had no way of knowing that everything had changed for Natalie and our family in an instant. We had no idea that the next 6+ months would be a roller coaster, complete with countless doctor visits, lab tests, procedures, hospitalizations, and illness. Worse yet, we could not have predicted how much we would see our daughter fade away, and how hard we would be praying, wondering if we would ever really get her back. We watched her transform from a vibrant, spontaneous, fearless, and carefree extrovert into a fearful, quiet, overcautious, anxious, and very ill introvert. I felt as if I lost my child - she was there, but it was not her. It was as if she shell of her former self. And no one knew how to help her. Doctor after doctor, test after test, remedy after remedy - and no results. No change, no real hope provided by any of them - things just kept getting progressively worse. We heard everything from brain tumor, to leukemia, to autoimmune disorder to it’s all in her head, an anxiety issue. We heard doctor after doctor tell us that there was no condition with her combination of symptoms. We were unaware that we, as parents, would have to fight on her behalf to get her the care she needed, and defend her to those who would dismiss her condition as “in her head” or “over-dramatized”, due to ignorance. We would have never guessed that we would be the ones to “diagnose” her, bringing our findings to the doctors. We had no way of knowing that it would be a long process, taking almost a full year to get her to the place that could provide us with a formal diagnosis, treatment plan, and education about not only her, but genetic issues within our family. We had no idea how much we were going to realize all we take for granted every day as we began to celebrate all the little milestones that Natalie met on the road back to recovering her old self.

We also had no clue how much we would learn through this, and how much we would actually gain from this whole experience and all that this last year entailed. When you are faced with challenges, you have a choice to make. Do you embrace the role of victim, view your circumstances as unjust and just give up or wallow? OR, do you meet the challenges “head on” with boldness, seeing them as an opportunity to learn and grow - knowing that God is with you in all things.

I cannot say that I never crumbled or had my victim moments. I had my meltdowns, my night spent sobbing on the bathroom floor when everything was crashing in. I was quite sure that night would end with me in a straight jacket, but thankfully, I made it out without restraints. But even though there were times of desperation, we knew that God was with us, and we just needed to take things step by step and “keep swimming”.

So many amazing things came out of this year. I am thankful for the countless things I have learned and the growth I have seen in my whole family.

Among many other things, I learned....

... that I take a lot for granted. I don’t appreciate the small miracles and blessings I have in my life each day. I am blessed to be able to get out of bed, go to work, have my kids go to school, run to the store on a whim, go see a movie, and be able to take my family out as I please to do things. None of these are a given nor are they a right - they are blessings that can disappear at any time.

...that there is something beautiful about not being able to say “yes” to making plans to do things and just having time together. I have a new found appreciation for being home with my family and spending time away from the busyness. It’s important for our family to connect. I want to make sure our lives are balanced, with plenty of downtime together. I coined the phrase “I have ideas, not plans” during this whole ordeal because we really didn’t know what circumstances each day would bring. It was one of the most frustrating things for me to deal with - it was also one of the most freeing once I embraced it.

...that I need to correct some of what I have taught my kids about the almighty word, “NO”. When I get a response of “Why?” to my parental “No”, I have tried to say “because I said so” as infrequently as possible, but it does slip out from time to time. I am even more convicted that I don’t want my kids to ever accept “because I said so” as a response. I also want them to know that while “no means no” in most cases, there are exceptions. Throughout this last year, all we heard were forms of “No” from doctors and insurance companies. Had we just accepted this, we would never be where we are today - Natalie would never have come so far. There is a time to accept “no” and then there is a time to challenge it. Teaching this to my kids is going to be a challenge because the black and white is now grey, but I am committed to it. “Because I said so” is never going to teach them anything. I want them to ask why. I want them to fight for understanding. I want them to stand up for themselves or others when it is appropriate. Even if the answer is still “no” in the end, I want them to know they did their part to stand up for what is right.

...that I need to remember that just because someone looks okay, doesn’t mean they are. People are walking around with physical or emotional conditions every day and may not show any outward signs. It is not my place to judge the significance of their situation. My job is to love and encourage them - the end.

...that being helpless is both the worst and best place to be. Helpless is how I felt in ALL circumstances for much of this year because that is what I was - helpless. I hated it. There was nothing I could do to save my grandmother, keep my nephew here, or fix my daughter’s health. Nothing except...rely on God. At the end of the day, that is all we had and really all we needed. Realizing that in the midst of everything turned the feelings of helplessness into peace within the storm, and allowed us to see God working in everything. When I look back on this year, God guided each and every step of the way. We ended up with the best doctors for Natalie, had amazing support, and found answers that many families wait years to uncover. I got to have wonderful times with my grandmother, including our last couple of hours together that were somehow perfectly carved out the day before she died. Mike and I got to see the power of “we” as we partnered through the chaos. God was ever present. Had I not been so helpless, I wonder would I have really noticed?

....that joy can be found in every journey. If there is one thing my family is good at, it is finding joy and laughter even in the midst of trials. As Miley Cyrus sings, life is what you make it. We choose to bring the fun to the “funk” of whatever comes our way and refuse to just wallow in the circumstance. I am thankful for every day we have had, pleasant and painful, this year. As a family, and individuals, we are all better for having taken this journey together.

La La La Los Angeles - Update on Nat

2011-11-07T19:57:00.000-08:00

Well, our trip to LA to see the specialist at Children’ Hospital finally happened! It seems like it took forever to get here, but it was so worth the wait.

Because we couldn’t have the trip be all about the hospital, we managed to get in a few fun things to. We took Natalie to the American Girl Store (her first time ever) and I am pretty sure angels were singing when we walked in the door. I am not sure who was more excited - Mike or Natalie. Needless to say, it was a good time.

We also visited the happiest place on earth. Natalie has always loved Disneyland, rides, and anything fun! Because of her struggles with nausea and fatigue this year, she did not want to go this time. She was nervous about rides, way opposed to riding on any kind of shuttle, and just anxious about the whole experience. We had to convince her to go which is just kind of crazy to me. The doctor we went to see had already started a part of the treatment which we knew was working so we were pretty confident that she wouldn’t have an issue, but she was still apprehensive and understandably so. The day started out super shaky and we had to work hard to get her to go on her first ride. After that, her engine started to rev up and pretty soon she was good to go. We even made up a song to go with our rides that day, “I throw my hands up in the air each time, I don’t give into fear, I want to celebrate and live my life, my nausea won’t win” to the tune of good ol’ Dynamite by Taio Cruz. We couldn’t go on everything - had to avoid spinning rides and anything super loud (as her ears are still really sensitive) but we had a blast and even ended up getting her on CA Screamin’! This was a huge victory for her that took place at the very end of the day. Mike and I figured if it didn’t go well, it was okay because a full afternoon of fun had already been had. She was nervous, but did not give in to her fear. And....she LOVED it! We even went a second time. She announced loud and proud that if she could ride on CA Screamin’, she could do anything:). I am pretty sure I squirted tears at the sound of that.

On to the appointment... It was FANTASTIC! It was so nice to be somewhere where the doctors weren’t perplexed, skeptical, or condescending. It is hard for people to understand her condition and, at times, we have felt people (including doctors) thought we were being dramatic or overstating things. We have also had some who insinuated that Natalie was manipulating us, or that it was all an issue related to anxiety which we knew was not the case. We know our kid and have watched this all unfold since last Thanksgiving. It has been very hard to have to defend her as we sought care.

That said, it was great to have the doctor, social worker, and genetic counselor understand what this experience is like and confirm all that we have seen and expressed to doctors. The doctor validated all that we have been experiencing and have observed with Natalie and confirmed her diagnosis of Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome from a genetic, diagnostic, and physical examination perspective. He said that it is something she has always had and her blood sugar issues and other previous odd illnesses/reactions to things were all symptoms of the larger root cause. Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome is related to a dysfunction in the mitochondria within the cells and is an inborn thing. He said that various things can trigger it and that the serious strep infection she had in November did just that. And then..it became much worse.

Because it is genetic, she will have issues for the rest of her life and he said that her puberty years will be challenging because of the huge toll they take on your body from an energy perspective. Once she turns 16 or 17, things will level out and then we wait and see if things stay the same or transition into typical migraines or some other variation of the illness.

The good news is that the treatment plan is super doable and primarily involves taking COQ10 (an enzyme that her body is deficient in), significant vitamin doses,specific diet content/frequency, good sleep, and one other possible medication depending on the results of some labs. With this, she should be able to be pretty much her old self most of the time. We will need to be very responsive to any fevers or illness, and we still have an ER trek in the event she starts vomiting so she needs to stay healthy!

Natalie is mostly excited that the doctor (and social worker) understood her body and what she goes through inside, had a plan, and said she could play soccer again (with some restrictions:).

Thanks to those of you who have stood by us on this journey, who love my kid(s), and who have been praying. The support has been amazing. We love you!

If you want to learn more about Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome...

General Info

http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/cvs/

http://www.cvsaonline.org/

http://www.cvsa.org.uk/fleisherguide.html

Angel of Mine

2011-05-07T16:30:00.000-07:00

We all have seasons of our lives that our challenging. The last five months have definitely been that. I am not sure when it all will pass, but I do remain thankful for the many blessings I have and have had. One of those blessings is my grandmother who is my most favorite person in the world. Her health issues are progessing rapidly and we are all working through all of the emotions that come with that. I was thinking about her today and sat down to write this song/poem. I actually wrote it to a melody, but if you know me at all, you know I am not the best singer. So on paper it shall be...I love you grandma. This is for you.

We all talk of angels
Guiding from above
Watching over all of us
Bringing God’s comfort, joy and love

Well, I know an angel
Right here on this earth
She’s blessed me every day of life
Since my very birth

She’s an angel watching over
Comfort for my soul
She’s light in the darkness
Her love, it makes me whole

She has always been there
In every single way
Sharing all her wisdom
Ensuring things will be okay

She showed me what it means to care
She taught me how to love
Always there to listen
And point me to God above

She’s a voice of reason in the storms
And strength when I am weak
She’s love abounding freely
A friend to all she meets

She’s filled my life with joy
Inspired me as I’ve grown
Given herself to all around her
She’s the best I’ve ever known

I know one day she’ll be gone
And my heart will fill with pain

But joy will come in the morning

Because one thing will never change

She’ll be an angel watching over me

She’ll be comfort for my soul

She’ll be my light in the darkness

Her love will make me whole

On the Floor...

2011-04-25T21:03:00.000-07:00

On the floor…is exactly where I found myself about two weeks ago. The bathroom floor, that is. And there sure wasn’t any dancing or new “J-lo-ration” like Jennifer Lopez sings. It was no party. I am proud to admit that I was a hot mess.

As many people know we have had five months of straight health issues for my daughter, the root cause of which still has yet to be determined. That child has been nauseous and fatigued for five months, has seen a gaggle of doctors and has been poked and prodded. Yet, we still have no answers. All things considered, I think her daddy and I have done quite well.

I am not going to lie. It is a roller coaster of emotions as we enter each day not knowing how she will feel, whether she will be able to go to school, what “plans” we will have to forego, and with uncertainty as to what we will uncover about her “condition”. Balancing life – our jobs, our household, our son’s needs, other commitments, and this health issue has been a huge challenge and often overwhelming. This is one of; if not the hardest, parenting time I have endured. My daughter asks me to help her, yet I am helpless and limited in what I can do for her. I feel scared, but she looks to her dad and I to show her what it means to trust, even when it is so very hard. I have no real answers and she has SO many questions. Behaviorally, she is all over the place and understandably so. Feeling like garbage is draining and frustrating for anyone, but especially a child. For us as parents, it adds another element to this challenging situation. We have no idea when or how this journey will end so we take it day by day and month by month. As positive and prayerful as we attempt to be, it is still so very draining and this mom spends a lot of time putting on the brave and happy face so that my daughter can remain strong and hopeful.

So there I was about two weeks ago, already feeling overwhelmed with all things Natalie, when I got some very devastating unrelated news. While I am not at liberty to share the specifics publicly at this point, I will say that receiving the news was like a punch to the stomach and a fracture to the heart at the deepest level. The news was and still is very difficult for our entire family. Sharing it with my son and watching him (he who never cries) sob for 45 minutes, while I was still struggling significantly with the news myself, about killed me. And then came more drama and I just lost it. Apparently, I have a limit and boy, did I find it. It was like a dam broke. The flood gates opened…

I headed into the bathroom, closed the door and had a full blown meltdown all on the bathroom floor. It was like an event. Let me tell there was nothing pretty about it. People make reference to the “ugly cry” – yeah, I had that mastered. For at least 45 minutes, I sobbed and dry-heaved, almost hyperventilating multiple times. It was pretty awesome and went on and on and on. I could not stop and, you know, I really didn’t have to. I was by myself just unleashing all that was within.

As painful as it was, it was so very freeing and cleansing. Everything poured out and then poured out some more. All of my fears, frustrations, anger, and sadness were released. I was a disaster and yet there was something quite beautiful about that. It was just me, my bathroom, and my God having a session – a very intense session, a much needed time of surrender. There was no distraction, no external noise. There was no struggle for control or need to put on a brave face for my daughter. I just let go...

And, when I was done, (and in need of much rehydration), I honestly felt so much better. Nothing had changed. Everything was still a mess, but a mess with a renewed perspective. In fact, there are a lot of lessons and reminders one can glean from time on the bathroom floor. Here are a few of mine:

- I have a great big God who says, “I’ve got this” AND “I’ve got you, too”.

- Sometimes you just have to be patient and participate in the journey.

- Every day is a blessing, even the difficult ones.

- Sometimes you may disappoint people and that is okay.

- I cannot handle it all and am not meant to.

- Sometimes being strong means giving into your weakness.

- Truly loving others means seeing past any issues and conflicts and into their hearts.

- And…I should really clean my bathroom floor more often.

There is something to be said about lying on the bathroom floor in a pool of your tears. I can’t think of a more humble, surrendered position to be in. And while I wouldn’t want it to be part of my daily routine, I am thankful for that time I had on the floor. I think some time “on the floor” every now and then, as needed, could be in order. Perhaps, I should write a new version of J-Lo’s “On the Floor” as a tribute to bathroom floor meltdowns and post it to “You-Tube”...

A Day to Treasure

2011-03-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

Being on an ocean beach, is amazing - the sounds, the smells, the sights, the feeling...I love everything about it. You might say it is my "happy place" but really it is so much more than that. It is a place of peace and refuge for me, my calm no matter what internal storm is brewing. It is a source of release, reflection and meditation. It is divine and healing. This has never been so evident

as last week.

Since Thanksgiving, our world has centered on my daughter, Natalie and her inexplicable health issues. Our days (and sometimes nights) have been consumed with managing or assessing her symptoms, consulting with doctors, taking her for tests, tests, and more tests, researching possibilities, periodically sleeping at the hospital, praying and waiting - lots and lots of waiting, wondering, and hoping for answers.

From Endocrine to Neurology to Metabolic Specialists to GI, we have been making the rounds. We still have no real answers. Every negative test result is met with mixed feelings. You don't want something to be wrong with your child, but when you already know something is, you just want to know what that IT is.

Last Monday, I would say that I finally hit my breaking point. Honestly, I can't even describe the feeling. And as we finished a particularly long and sobering doctor's appt on Tuesday, I was just done. Upon leaving, Mike asked me how I felt. My response, "I just need to see the ocean". It honestly wasn't a want. I needed to go. I needed to feel the sand on my feet, and see the crashing waves. I needed the fresh, cleansing sea air. I needed to see that mighty, never-ending ocean that embodies the awe-inspiring, amazing, and intricate nature of God's design. I needed to be reminded that no matter what we find, it is all in His hands.

So we went. All five of us, Mike, Kyle, Natalie, Elliot (the dog) and myself. And it was AMAZING! A day we will not soon forget. Words cannot express what that did for all of us. When I got to the water, I cried. It sounds ridiculous, but I did and it felt fantastic. I just let go. I let go of all that I had been trying to hold in and hold on to. It was so freeing.

Natalie squealed with delight and played with an abandon that I have not seen for 3 1/2 months. The joy in her eyes and the bounce in her step were so awesome to watch.

She had even snuck her bathing suit on under her clothes so she could "swim". I didn't even care. It was so good to see my daughter again, fearless, fun loving, and free! I had not seen this side of my child in so long.

The day was so simple. A drive to the coast, a quick lunch, a mere two hours at the beach, and then the ride home…but it didn't matter. It was so needed - not just for me - but for all of us, much more than we had realized. It allowed us to escape and connect. It was priceless, a time to be treasured with our family.

As I type this, we still do not have the answers or know where this journey will end. We are awaiting the results of her second round of metabolic tests today.
If they are negative or inconclusive, we will be
moving on to an endoscopy and a consult with a Pediatric Oncologist/ Hematologist. I do not know God's plan for all of this, but I feel blessed to be

Natalie’s mom through all of it. And when I start to spin, I think of last week on the beach, my peace is restored. I know it will all be okay.

You May Say I'm a Dreamer...

2010-09-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for a while and that definitely isn't because I haven't had anything to say:). I have probably written a hundred in my mind, but none have made it to print. Today, however, I feel compelled to write.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of September 11th. My son came home with a September 11th related assignment last week. He had to interview a parent about the memories and thoughts they have from that day. Once I was able to move past the realization that I am now at an age where I provide perspective on historical events, I sat down with him and we had our discussion.

There are many things I remember about that day, including where I was and how I felt. My most vivid memories, however, are more about how life was in the period that followed. In the days and weeks that followed 9/11, I was in awe of the differences I saw in humanity. I remember going to a candlelight vigil and witnessing so many people from all walks of life showing compassion for each other. People were comforting strangers, moving past any judgements and biases. Even at the store, people were a little more patient, tolerant, and forgiving. Families came together. The event shifted our priorities and exposed our vulnerabilities. I think there was such beauty in that. Life was not about "things". It was about living life, giving grace, loving others, and appreciating all that we have and take for granted. It was the essence of how I think we were created to be.

My husband says I am an idealist, a dreamer. I struggle with the notion that being an idealist is a bad thing. I believe in people. I believe in possibilities. I am not naive, rather I choose to look for the best in others and hope for what can be. I try to do my part.

I have trouble understanding why a tragic event is necessary to bring out the best in all of us, only to have us revert back to old ways as time passes. Is that front row parking spot really worth a cursing match? Is it necessary to spew hate and condemnation toward or about those who disagree with you?

If we took more of what was displaying in the weeks following 9/11 and incorporated those into our daily lives, it would honor those who perished. We can take what we learned, the glimpses of amazing unity that we saw, and live our lives as a tribute.

I will never forget the images from that day. I forever mourn for those that died, the innocent men, women, and children. But...I refuse to look on it with anger or allow it to fuel my resentments, Instead, I think about that small taste of "Pleasantville" that enveloped our country in the weeks that followed and remain hopeful for what can be.

The April Blues

2010-04-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day back at school after a great Spring Break with my family. As I was preparing for my return last night, I felt a very deep sadness come over me. This sadness did not stem from the fact that our break was over and I was headed back to work. Instead, it came with the realization that there are only 2 months left of the school year. Two very busy months –that will fly by! I felt sad knowing my time with these 23 amazing kids will soon come to an end. What can I say? I love them. They are individuals with their own unique gifts, quirks, and personalities. Together, they make an awesome class. Each of them has taken a piece of my heart. It is hard to imagine not spending my days with them.

Along with the sadness, came a sense of panic. I was asking myself, “How much of what I want and have planned to teach them, has been completed? What needs to happen in this next two months? Will they have time to learn all that I want them to know?”

As a teacher, there is a vast amount of material that you are required to teach your students. Because of the limited time and days, you have to prioritize. I have a mental list of what I feel is most important. Math, for example, is critical. At this level, they are still learning basic skills that they will be able to incorporate into their everyday lives as they grow. It is also part of laying the foundation for higher level math that they will be presented with in the coming years. Grammar, while my least favorite subject to teach, is integral to their success in communicating with and understanding written material. In 4th grade, we are immersed in California history throughout the entire school year. Many people fail to see the significance of this particular subject area. I, however, think it is SO valuable to my 4th graders. So much transferable knowledge can be gained as we examine where we have come from as a state (and country) and how we have arrived at the current place we are in. They get to grapple with moral and ethical issues, while developing their critical thinking skills. They are able to see that life is complex and that there are at least two sides to every story.

I could go on and on about the curriculum and its importance, but interestingly enough this was not the area that came to mind in my panic-stricken state. The things I most want them to know and take with them aren’t found in the textbooks and annual lesson plans. They are contained within our discussions and our experiences together. They are heart lessons that I believe are vital for every student to take hold of, whether home-schooled, “private-schooled” or “public-schooled”. I want EVERY child to grab a hold of these things and carry them forward into their lives. More than how to divide, identify a verb phrase, or recite the date the Gold Rush started, these are some of the lessons I want my students to take with them from 4th grade.

- YOU matter. You are important and special in this world and always will be.
- You were wonderfully made to do great things. God didn’t create you to be someone else. He wants you to be the best YOU that you can be.

- You are loved beyond measure.

- Everyone makes mistakes. What is important is that you learn from them.

- You always have a choice. And…with choices come related consequences.

- You should always look for the good in others and treat them with kindness.

- Words are powerful. Being able to communicate with others is a gift, use it for good.

- Doing the right thing is rarely the easy thing. There may be times you have to stand alone to stay true to what you know in your heart is right.

- You should always forgive others. When you forgive someone, you aren’t releasing them from responsibility. You are setting yourself free. Holding on to anger hurts you more than it hurts others.

- You are never too young to make a difference in this world.

- Everyone is unique, each with different talents, skills, strengths, and weaknesses. Never discount someone as insignificant or inferior.

- You will come across things in school that are difficult. Don’t give up! It is during these times when you truly learn.

- There will be times when you fail. It’s okay. You aren’t called to be perfect. That’s Jesus’ job:).

- God never leaves. He is always with you. There is never a day that goes by when you are alone.

It is my hope that, as the year comes to a close, these seeds have been planted in the hearts of my students. As 4th graders, they are already such amazing people with tremendous potential. Knowing that we will part ways in less than two months pains me, but I am so excited to see them grow into who they have been created to be.

(Post actually written on 4/5)

There is more than one way to find your happy place…

2010-02-26T22:52:00.000-08:00

If you had told me I would be lying next to the ocean by the end of today, I would have said you were crazy. That is, however, exactly what happened.

My day started early, 12:30am early. That is when the nausea and pain in my stomach awoke me. It was my friend for the rest of the night and needless to say, I was less than enthused when my alarm began buzzing at 6:00. Getting out of bed, I ached from head to toe and still was plagued with nausea. Apparently, this was the result of a super special “bug” my students gave me. Because being sick and missing school really isn’t an option for me right now, I loaded up on many over the counter medicines, swallowed anti-nausea meds, and headed out the door.

I am ashamed to say that my next stop was not school – it was, in fact, Starbucks. Normally this would not be an issue, but I have been engaged in a 21 day fast from coffee and soda. Today was only day 12…

Armed with my sin in a cup, I ventured off to school where I was barraged with questions by my students about the coffee. You see, I had spent quite a bit of time educating them on what it means to fast and explaining the reason for the fast. Today, I spent quite a bit of time, convincing them that drinking this one coffee was okay. I did it for them – so they would have a functional, nice teacher instead of an evil, crabby one. Not surprisingly, they all gave me their full support and I promised to tack a day on at the end to make up for this one. I could consider this coffee a failure, but I much prefer to consider it survival.

Survive I did…the morning actually went well. And then it happened, the drugs started wearing off just as my students began winding up. If you have ever been in a classroom full of kids who have been stuck inside for a multitude of rainy days (especially on a Friday afternoon), you know it is not a place lacking in volume or energy.

I did not want to try and teach Social Studies as I had planned. Did they really need to know how California became a state before this weekend? I thought not. I wanted to go to my happy place.

I actually have several happy places. One of my most happy places is the ocean – not in it – just next to it. I love it. Since going to the ocean right at that moment was not actually going to happen, I decided to bring it to me. In a moment of brilliance, the desire for my happy place gave me the perfect activity for the afternoon.

It just so happens that we are starting an Oceanography unit in the good ol’ 4th grade and today I told my students to create me an ocean!

With some construction paper, glue, markers, tape, and whatever else they could get their little paws on, that is exactly what they did. They eagerly went through their Science chapter, examining what creatures we would need to have represented and created their little hearts out. From sand dollars to squids, from sharks to starfish, from jellyfish to plankton and kelp, they cut and colored and crafted creature after creature. They were reading in their book to gain more information about the creatures as they made them and instructing me as to where they should be placed (near the bottom of the sea, near the top, in kelp, etc). They also decided to use tan construction paper for sand. It was such a blast for me to see how into it they were.

With stapler in hand, I took their creations and put them in place. I then covered everything in blue cellophane (that I just happened to have left over from a prior project) to make everything look under water.

My ocean, okay “our ocean”, turned out great and they were so excited and proud of their handiwork. They didn’t even mind the enormous amount of cleanup that was required.

It was such a blast for me to see how into this impromptu activity they were. I actually forgot how crappy I felt. And as I found myself relaxing on my classroom floor at the end of the day looking at the swimming swordfish and crawling crustaceans, I realized that I had been in one of my happy places the whole time – my classroom with my 23 kids. It is one of my most favorite places to be. It just so happens that I got to be in two of my happy places today – the classroom AND right next to the ocean. I feel pretty blessed.

Don’t make me lose it…Control...

2010-02-13T23:16:00.000-08:00

Ah…life is never dull. For Christmas this year, I got some pain -Pain that started on the lower right side of my back and then generously spread to the lower right abdominal area. Really, really bad pain that got worse and worse with each passing day. I waited a few weeks to see if it resolved on its own, but no such luck. The pain progressed each day, worsened with activity, and soon was accompanied by intermittent waves of intense nausea and vomiting.

Convinced I had an ovarian cyst, I went to the OB/GYN for an ultrasound. I was more than surprised to learn that my ultrasound was normal. I was also devastated as that meant I had no clue as to what was wrong. I had what can best be described as a full meltdown. Then, I put on my big girl panties, and with some help from Mike, put a plan in place to get this diagnosis train moving.

The next day, 1/22, I had an emergency CT scan. The CT scan showed that my appendix looked abnormal though not indicative of appendicitis, especially given that I had been in pain for weeks. I was ordered to go straight back to the doctor’s office. Unsure of how to proceed with everything, my doctor referred me to a surgeon, one who had operated on me previously. On Tuesday, January 26th, I met with the surgeon who advised me that she really had no clue why I was in so much pain. She told me that my appendix looked funky and, though not emergent, something must be up with it as it just didn’t look normal. She talked with me about scheduling surgery and advised that it would likely require a vertical abdominal incision. Surgery meant anywhere from 2 to 6 weeks away from my class…there was also no guarantee that it would take care of my pain.

The next day at 3:30pm, I met with my principal, discussed the meeting with the doctor, and I laid out my desired plans for this surgery. MY plans included surgery to be scheduled a couple of weeks out, with plenty of time to write detailed lesson plans, talk through it all with my students, meet with my substitute, straighten my classroom…the list goes on. Less than 24 hours after that I was in the ER, 3 hours later I was on the operating table. So much for MY plan…

On Thursday (1/28), I felt like hell all day. I woke up nauseous and it never went away. Around 1:00, I felt like I was going to be sick, and left my classroom in the care of another teacher, while I darted to the bathroom. The next time I would see my class was one week later…Once in bathroom, I was more than sick. I was weak, tingly, faint, and in pain with nausea so overwhelming I could barely stand it. In fact, I really couldn’t stand or walk very well at all. I was basically stuck in the bathroom. If I yelled, I would alarm the students. I literally used the walls and tables in the hall to get to the door of the nearest classroom and poked my head inside to get the attention of a teacher (and dear friend) and then clawed my way back to the bathroom. After that, it was pretty much a scene. The students were ushered into another room so I could be helped into my room without them knowing what was going on. Phone calls were made to administration, my husband, and who knows who else. I knew I was headed to the ER and was clear that if anyone called an ambulance, I would refuse.

As I sat there waiting to be taken to the ER, it all hit me. I was not going to be able to make a single plan come to fruition. I knew I was going to end up in surgery that day. My classroom was a mess. I had no lesson plans written. I had no idea who was going to pick my kids up from school. I had no idea if and when Mike was going to get relieved from the ICU (he is a nurse) to meet me at the hospital. I could not walk without assistance and had no control over my body. I had no idea whether I was going to be out 2 or 6 weeks. I had no idea what the surgeon would find. I literally did not have control over a single thing in my life at that moment. It was the worst feeling ever. It was horrible. It was the most difficult moment, yet it became one of the most freeing moments I have ever experienced. I had no choice but to surrender it all. There was literally nothing I could do, but trust that God would take care of it all.

After being helped to the car by an army of people, I was taken to the hospital by my dear friend, Ashly. My surgeon met me there as did my sister, my husband, and my Darcy. At around seven o’clock that night I had surgery. Much to her surprise, the doctor was able to complete everything in a laparoscopic procedure, removing my appendix and gallbladder. With that, she was not sure if she had resolved my pain as the appendix, while abnormal, showed no signs of appendicitis.

Two weeks later, my pain is gone. The pathology on my appendix came back and it was, in fact, full on acute appendicitis. The doctor was stunned and elated that she had removed it. I was so thankful that I have doctors who go with their gut instinct instead of relying solely on textbook medicine. I had no fever or abnormal white count. My pain was slightly to the left of where it should be for appendicitis. I had pain for weeks. None of this is consistent with appendicitis. If the doctor had chosen to wait, my appendix would have ruptured at some point.

I am so thankful for the immense pain I had for those few weeks. It quite possibly saved my life. I am also thankful to have had the opportunity to experience a full and complete surrender of control. It was an amazing thing. I am so blessed to have amazing friends that I work with everyday that were there for me that Thursday at school and carried the burdens when I was gone. As I reflect back on this entire experience, it is clear God’s hand was all over it – in the big details as well as the seemingly insignificant ones.

Not being one to let this little episode steal my joy, I also laugh when I think of all of the funny things that occurred along the way…

…Stacy holding me in the chair, literally, so I could complete a call to Mike to let him know what was going on
…Watching Ashly, my beloved germ-o-phobe, sanitize her hands more times than I can count during our time together at the hospital

…Convincing the ER doctor at Sutter Memorial to let Ashly drive me over to Sutter General to be admitted there instead of taking an ambulance. I went wearing a hospital gown, 2 blankets, a barf bucket, and an IV still on.

…Listening to my intake nurse at Sutter General who sounded EXACTLY like Anjelah Johnson in the nail salon video on YouTube. You got flu shot?

…Having Darcy call me her little hollow chocolate Easter bunny for the first time (as I am seriously lacking in internal organs now)

I could go on and on…it really was a funny day. Even though this is long, there is so much I left out.

I have no complaints. God is good.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...

2010-01-12T21:44:00.000-08:00

I am blessed to teach 4th grade every day. This week, we have been discussing and exploring the life of Martin Luther King Jr. It has been an amazing time of discussion and learning. We even listened to King’s “I Have a Dream” speech today. It was fantastic to witness how captivated the students were by it. I myself never tire of listening to it. I love the passion and conviction in his voice. I love that his dreams are so personal yet so vast. I think many of us stop truly dreaming as adults. We no longer believe that we can affect change in the world. King’s speech reminds me that the seemingly impossible is very possible.

In preparation for this week, I passed out a sheet to my students asking them some questions to pre-assess where they were at in terms of their knowledge and viewpoints on topics such as prejudice, freedom, and heroes. I also had an open ended entry for them to finish that began with “I have a dream that….” I gave no lessons or prompting before passing it out to complete.

After they turned them in, I sat down to read them. I cried. Yes, I am pretty mushy, but I have to say how blessed I was by what they wrote. They have such amazing hearts and beautiful dreams. Here are some of them – pure and unedited.

I have a dream that…

…everyone will get along.

…no one will be pushed around because of their size or capabilities

…everyone will one day love the one and only God

…we would have world peace and all orphans would be helped

…people would not fight

…all people would live equally

…all people in need of food would get it

…everyone could make their dreams come true

…I can go to the Philippines after raising money and give it to all of the poor people

…there can be more schools

…people will be nice to each other

…no one would be without a job or place to live

…there would be no more cruelty to animals

…everyone would have a house and plenty of food to eat

…everyone would believe in Jesus

I Don't Sleep, I Dream

2010-01-10T18:48:00.000-08:00

I am a dreamer - literally. Every night I dream, always in full color with stunning amounts of detail. This has been the case since I was a child. Most nights, I have several dreams and I do not buy for a minute that dreams are only 30-60 seconds each. Who came up with that anyway? Talk to my husband, who learned a long time ago to ask for the “readers digest" version of my dreams, and he will assure you that there is no way all that transpires in one of my dreams takes place in a minute. Some of my dreams are simply random, with various people from past and present and even faces I have never seen before. Sometime people change into other people as the dreams progress. I have died in my dreams and yes, I remain alive. I have had a gazillion dreams where I am in danger and call 911 only to have the phone not work, receive a busy signal, or be rendered unable to speak when the operator answers. I have had repeat dreams and often wake up from a dream, only to go right back into it when I fall back asleep. I have even gone back into a dream, starting over at the beginning, and changed the outcome.

I have had my share of nightmares, but some of the most powerful dreams I have had, have been those who reveal something to me about myself or those around me. I do a lot of processing in my sleep. I come up with my best solutions to problems and plan entire lessons for my class while sleeping. I have written full poems in my dreams. I have often said I think God uses my dreams to speak to me because it is the only time I am “still” enough to pay attention.

I am used to having an active dream life, but every once in a while, I have a dream that stays with me. I had such a dream last week that is still resonating in my mind. This dream was like a series of vignettes, each seemingly independent from another, that took place over a series of many years. In the first, I met a Russian boy who was new to my high school and was looking to make new friends. In another, I met up with a woman who needed some assistance with her daughter that had Down’s syndrome. A third scenario had me visiting someone in the hospital and coming across an African American nurse named Karniela(?) who was having an very hard time emotionally and needed some encouragement. There were about 3 more such scenarios, all with different people in different situations requiring either assistance or kindness.

In the final vignette of this dream, I was traveling overseas for some reason with a friend, and was in what appeared to be a Middle Eastern country. We were walking on a neighborhood street and, out of nowhere, soldiers or officers of some type appeared and arrested us. The street was full of people. As I was getting put into a vehicle to be taken into custody, I met eyes with a woman who appeared to recognize me. I could not see the rest of her as she was wearing a burka. My friend and I were taken to some kind of holding cell. I was sure that we were not ever going to be released and was bracing myself for what was going to happen to us. A while later, a man showed up and talked to the guards. We were immediately released into his custody. I was very confused. It was at this point that he began to tell me that it was his wife with whom I had locked eyes with and that she knew of me from a picture on a family member’s mantle. She had not only seen the picture but been told of a story of how I had impacted this family with a simple interaction years ago - it was a family from one of the early vignettes in the dream. And then, slowly it was revealed how all of the previous vignettes had led up to this moment. All of the people in the dream were connected in various ways. The nurse I met in the hospital had been a nurse who provided care for the child with Down’s syndrome. It went on and on. It was like this big reveal in flashback - like in Crash or the Sixth Sense.

When I woke up, I was a little overwhelmed. It was a huge dream and I was trying to take it all in. I really wanted to write it all down, but it was SO much (which is why the above is very much a “readers digest” version.) I have been kicking it around in my mind for about a week, trying to figure out what it all meant. It obviously wasn’t your standard dream; I am supposed to glean something from it. I do not think that the point was being nice to people because you may need to be bailed out some day. I think it was much deeper than that.

In each scenario, I was presented with a situation and had a choice in how to respond. I could show kindness and/or provide assistance or simply ignore the need. Now obviously, given that the dream spanned many years and I aged as it went, these weren’t the only interactions I would have had with people throughout that time span. These were, however, the ones that led up to my release.

What I have taken from this dream so far is that every interaction is an opportunity. With everyone I met, I have a choice to be self-centered and guarded or reach out. In life, we face situations like this every day. Do we offer a kind word if we notice a store cashier is sad? Do we even notice? Do we reach out to someone at the doctor’s office waiting room who appears upset or focus solely on our own ailments? Do we get outside of ourselves enough to take as many opportunities as possible to positively affect others’ lives?

In this dream,each scenario presented me with a choice. It is funny and ironic to me that in the last scenario, it was someone else who had to choose whether or not to show kindness and assistance to me. I was at the mercy of others. This woman could have easily chosen to turn away and pretend like she didn’t know me. She could have done nothing. Instead, she probably took great risks given her culture and chose to help me. Her seizing an opportunity blessed me. The dream easily could have ended with me being set free, Instead, it closed with this reveal of sorts that showed how everything was all tied together in this amazing sequence of interactions. I still grapple with this question...If I made the choice to "look the other way" in one of the earlier scenarios, would I have been released in the end? Perhaps there will be a sequel!

'Tis Time to Chasse

2010-01-09T11:56:00.000-08:00

Ah…square dancing…Did you partake in this as part of junior high gym class, too? The girls would line up on one side of the gym, the boys on the other, and we would take turns crossing the vast gym floor to ask someone of the opposite gender to dance. This is one of my most entertaining and horrifying memories. Nothing says let’s help these kids learn about potential (and actual) rejection now, like the square dance.

Now, you couldn’t actually say “no” if someone asked you to dance. But we all know there is more than one way to reject someone…an eye roll, a disgusted glance, a shudder, a side comment to a friend…I could go on. It’s not any actual rejection that I remember receiving that cements this memory in my mind. Instead, what I recall most vividly is the moment right before we had to “put ourselves out there” and walk across the floor. I was fine watching others do it – I was even very supportive of my friends. I was also fine having someone come to me. But when it was my turn to step forward and take the risk, it was, well, nauseating.

For as bold as I am, part of me remains the 7th grader who wants to stay on the comfy side of the gymnasium. I am very supportive of others and gladly participate in response to someone. When it comes to stepping out in vulnerability, I often stifle myself. If I am never the one to cross the gym floor, I can never really going to be subject to any form of rejection. It’s really that simple and that sad. Authentically expressing myself in a blog is like crossing the gym floor for me. I know that not everyone will agree or like things I have to say, but this is me. I step out on to the floor knowing full well that I may get an eye roll, a disgusted glance, a shudder, a side comment to a friend, or even a direct tongue lashing. So be it. I do not believe in letting fear guide my choices. Fear paralyzes and keeps us from truly becoming who we are called to be.

So I shall write whatever is on my mind – from the random to the meaningful. And while I hope my blog periodically makes you smile or think, I must be honest in saying it really is for me:). It is my self-made challenge to “chasse” across the floor and it starts right here.

For your enjoyment...
http://www.mrgym.com/DanceandRythmic/SquareDance.htm

Just Dance...

2010-01-01T22:32:00.000-08:00

"I hope you dance" - These are the words found above my daughter's door. This plaque was especially chosen for her by her daddy and I. I want her to dance every day of her life. It's what she was created to do. It is what we were all created to do.

When I look at my daughter, Natalie, I see the dancer I want to be when I grow up. She dances with abandon. She moves from a passion within. She dances HER dance - not one that is choreographed or set before her - it is all her own. It is pure and free. It is not driven by others. It is not inhibited. It is fully alive. Natalie dances from the song within her own heart and it is a beautiful sight to behold. The beauty comes not from some amazing talent, but instead, from her ability to dance boldly in who she is. At 6, she inspires me to dance freely and fully, embracing who I am and was created to be.

I want to dance like Natalie in all I do. I want to constantly move to the song that has been placed in my heart. I want to embrace each opportunity and live each day to the fullest. I want to dance freely in who I was created to be, not worrying about the audience reaction or critic reviews.

Maya Angelou once said, :"A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself and only herself ." This is how I want my dance to be. My dance is not a performance for others. My dance comes from an innate desire to be fully alive and surrender to rhythm of my Creator.

Whether I am dancing with joy or "dancing it out" to move through a difficult situation, I choose to dance each day. I may not always know the right steps or be on beat, but it is my desire to always be authentically me. In the words of that wise Ren McCormick, "This is our time to dance. It is our way of celebrating life. It's the way it was in the beginning. It's the way it's always been. It's the way it should be now."