On the floor…is exactly where I found myself about two weeks ago. The bathroom floor, that is. And there sure wasn’t any dancing or new “J-lo-ration” like Jennifer Lopez sings. It was no party. I am proud to admit that I was a hot mess.
As many people know we have had five months of straight health issues for my daughter, the root cause of which still has yet to be determined. That child has been nauseous and fatigued for five months, has seen a gaggle of doctors and has been poked and prodded. Yet, we still have no answers. All things considered, I think her daddy and I have done quite well.
I am not going to lie. It is a roller coaster of emotions as we enter each day not knowing how she will feel, whether she will be able to go to school, what “plans” we will have to forego, and with uncertainty as to what we will uncover about her “condition”. Balancing life – our jobs, our household, our son’s needs, other commitments, and this health issue has been a huge challenge and often overwhelming. This is one of; if not the hardest, parenting time I have endured. My daughter asks me to help her, yet I am helpless and limited in what I can do for her. I feel scared, but she looks to her dad and I to show her what it means to trust, even when it is so very hard. I have no real answers and she has SO many questions. Behaviorally, she is all over the place and understandably so. Feeling like garbage is draining and frustrating for anyone, but especially a child. For us as parents, it adds another element to this challenging situation. We have no idea when or how this journey will end so we take it day by day and month by month. As positive and prayerful as we attempt to be, it is still so very draining and this mom spends a lot of time putting on the brave and happy face so that my daughter can remain strong and hopeful.
So there I was about two weeks ago, already feeling overwhelmed with all things Natalie, when I got some very devastating unrelated news. While I am not at liberty to share the specifics publicly at this point, I will say that receiving the news was like a punch to the stomach and a fracture to the heart at the deepest level. The news was and still is very difficult for our entire family. Sharing it with my son and watching him (he who never cries) sob for 45 minutes, while I was still struggling significantly with the news myself, about killed me. And then came more drama and I just lost it. Apparently, I have a limit and boy, did I find it. It was like a dam broke. The flood gates opened…
I headed into the bathroom, closed the door and had a full blown meltdown all on the bathroom floor. It was like an event. Let me tell there was nothing pretty about it. People make reference to the “ugly cry” – yeah, I had that mastered. For at least 45 minutes, I sobbed and dry-heaved, almost hyperventilating multiple times. It was pretty awesome and went on and on and on. I could not stop and, you know, I really didn’t have to. I was by myself just unleashing all that was within.
As painful as it was, it was so very freeing and cleansing. Everything poured out and then poured out some more. All of my fears, frustrations, anger, and sadness were released. I was a disaster and yet there was something quite beautiful about that. It was just me, my bathroom, and my God having a session – a very intense session, a much needed time of surrender. There was no distraction, no external noise. There was no struggle for control or need to put on a brave face for my daughter. I just let go...
And, when I was done, (and in need of much rehydration), I honestly felt so much better. Nothing had changed. Everything was still a mess, but a mess with a renewed perspective. In fact, there are a lot of lessons and reminders one can glean from time on the bathroom floor. Here are a few of mine:
- I have a great big God who says, “I’ve got this” AND “I’ve got you, too”.
- Sometimes you just have to be patient and participate in the journey.
- Every day is a blessing, even the difficult ones.
- Sometimes you may disappoint people and that is okay.
- I cannot handle it all and am not meant to.
- Sometimes being strong means giving into your weakness.
- Truly loving others means seeing past any issues and conflicts and into their hearts.
- And…I should really clean my bathroom floor more often.
There is something to be said about lying on the bathroom floor in a pool of your tears. I can’t think of a more humble, surrendered position to be in. And while I wouldn’t want it to be part of my daily routine, I am thankful for that time I had on the floor. I think some time “on the floor” every now and then, as needed, could be in order. Perhaps, I should write a new version of J-Lo’s “On the Floor” as a tribute to bathroom floor meltdowns and post it to “You-Tube”...
